A supernatural element glanced through the buds on the trees and granted me an hour of relief from the demons. Having returned my Kindle Fire at the Collect store (it broke, much to my horror, though a replacement was sent in an astonishing 24 hours), I took myself to Costa for a monthly flat white and the least sugary goodie to eat (ginger biscuits). Turned out I had enough points for it all to be free! Sitting in the window, I rocked with laughter at various Times articles (Giles Coren, Spreadshit Phil), then noticed the Costa music centre was playing “Beautiful Day” which I hadn’t really appreciated before. Yes, it is, I mused, admiring the spindly new trees planted on the dusty concrete desert that is my, erm, high street/tiny lane. And then I noticed that I was bopping to “Respect Yourself” which struck me as a fine message after weeks of listening to my “you are a total fucking failure” demons. Clearly the St John’s Wort is working. Or the caffeine rush. On the other hand, it really is time I stepped out of this self-pity wallow. It’s ghastly. I hate it. But often there is nothing to grab onto to get myself out of it. I’m tired of telling myself how awful a writer I am. I’m not brilliant, I know, but there are quite a few so-called writers who are WAY worse than I am. And anyway, do I have to be the best? Isn’t it enough that I’ve published six books? Shouldn’t the knowledge that I’m getting better with each one sustain me? Once, twenty years ago (um, actually I think it’s more) I promised myself that with every attempt I made at writing something, it would be – at the very least – better than the last thing I wrote. So I may not be terribly talented and perhaps I don’t understand the selling market very well (nor do I want to) but I do know how to mutter the best clichés to myself: “This above all – to think own self be true.”
The other one is “that way madness lies” (keeping to the Shakespearian cliché theme) and so it does if I try to Think Like Everyone Else. I can’t. I won't. What is the point if one does. There is already so much pointlessness. I wouldn't want to add to it.
After all, though this be madness, [] there is method in’t.
The other one is “that way madness lies” (keeping to the Shakespearian cliché theme) and so it does if I try to Think Like Everyone Else. I can’t. I won't. What is the point if one does. There is already so much pointlessness. I wouldn't want to add to it.
After all, though this be madness, [] there is method in’t.
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